Sophisticated yet Messy

I am mix of all sorts of things, and i am not sure of what all those things are yet. but I have time to figure that out. Besides isnt that what makes life so interesting and humantiy so compelling? Not that my life will be that grand, but I hope I can at least find that in other things and people...and maybe share it on this.

Be careful how you live: You may be the only Bible some people will ever read.

—Unvirtuous Abbey (via audaciousadorablosity)

Unworthy and Undeserving

I have parents that I do not deserve. I am not the dream daughter they deserve. I constantly worry I will fail them, but its not just that…My mental illness places such a burden on them. If you asked them, they would deny that…that is the kinda of parents they are. And while my problem is not so much as a disease as my over self indulgence that leaves me….the whining of a selfish, narcissistic, cry-baby of a wimp. They just want me to be happy…but I cannot seem to give them that. And in a way, when they try to make me happy, it (selfishly) just makes me feel worse. I should not make them feel like they need to do things for my happiness.

But I have decided that I am going to try and be happy for their sake, so they will know what amazing people that they are, and if not then I will make them at least think I am.

Perfect for strange, warm February Days. 

Notes from a Wedding Weekend

So the weekend out turned out to be not an epic disaster. The biggest snafu was when R dented his car when pulling into the alley way in the house we spent the night at in Knoxville, that was currently being renovated.

But lets start from the beginning….the drive through somewhere past Knoxville headed into South Carolina is breathtakingly beautiful, and the rain and fog at the time only enhanced the beauty of the place. Once in SC we discovered what I am calling the Twilight Zone exits….two exits with exactly the same stuff at them…only a few miles apart.

The GPS took us a crazy way to the reception….and at first i was worried it was going to be at a trailer park. but the funny thing about really rich neighborhoods is that you turn the corner and they are there. one minute your driving through the back woods, and the next you are in a country club so swanky that Bella Meade needs to be ashamed.

we walk in and are placed in a what really appears to be a kids table…punishment for showing up late. However, once we discovered the open bar all was well.

I think I got a few brownie points with R’s friend’s by being one of the boys and going to the casino, 2 hours away, at 9 at night. But it was a great time. Nothing like singing 90’s tunes and then watching a bunch of people lose a lot of money. Hats off to S for driving.

The wedding was beautiful and expensive. Plus having a Circuit Ct judge drive the 6 hours to the wedding will be one to beat. The reception was and the bride’s parent’s house, and they have bricks lining they edges of the lake that their house connected to. They had a live band, strawberry tree, and a macaroni bar. I played corn hole and won…mostly do to my teammate S. I will say it is was weird that their wifes did not go.

And then in Knoxville, I found the coolest bar ever! And am desperate to open one like it in Chattanooga.

I also got to meet R’s family. I am not sure if i liked the dad, but his sister and nieces were really nice.

But the biggest thing of all is that at times I realized that R may actually really love me. I mean really. Crazy huh?

Sitting here, with the house quiet, the air smelling of rain, and my dog by my side I am suddenly terrified of moving out on my own. Away from Home. Away from the past. As I look at all my stuff packed and sitting in the kitchen floor i am suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to cry. I wonder why I am suddenly so sad, what is it I am giving up? What am I gaining? and Will I ever be sitting here in this spot as my home every again? Some moments I wish could last forever, or at least just some memories.

A brutal revealing

I often times feel that in life there is no right answer. Part of me desperately wants for the entire world who would do this to another human being. The other part of me questions if Anonymous’ seeming vigilantly justice is the solution or just going to cause more heartache and problems.  Maybe both sides are right or maybe in the end it will be up to God or Karma to have justice. If justice is possible when a girl’s life was lost, because she could stand living it anymore.